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Princess_Batman
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Name: Elena
Country: United States
State: Indiana
Birthday: 10/5/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: I am intersted in being unique. I am interseted in informing the world of my uniquness.
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  princess0batman
Member Since:
5/20/2004
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She who wishes to soothe a tortured soul with love does so vainly.
Not in vain, perhaps, because it is possible for passion to thrive and
overtake a darkened mind, but such an attempt is not so much an act of
sympathy and compassion as it is an act of vanity. She who is attracted
to a dark and tragic man is attracted to the possibility to bring light
and joy to him. Her passionate desire to 'make it all go away' is
rooted in an even more passionate belief in her own desirability. She
hopes that all the anguish he has encountered with the world or the
human condition or the man himself can be alleviated by none other than
herself. She hopes that he, seeing her seemingly selfless love for him
(a supposedly dark and wretched creature), will be so overwhelmed by
her beauty and her goodness and her grace that he will be shocked into
optimism and will ever thankfully and blissfully worship her for the
rest of their bright, passionate, happily-ever-after days. In this
case, love is nothing more than a beautiful means to a vain and selfish
end. | | |
| from aldous huxley's "Point Counter Point"
"And then, he went on to reflect, she was really rather a bore with her
heavy, insensitive earnestness. Really rather stupid in spite of her
culture--because of it perhaps. The culture was genuine all right; she
had read all the books, she remebered them. But did she understand
them? Could she understand them? The remarks with wich she broke her
long, long, silences, the cultured, earnest remarks--how heavey they
were, how humourless and with out understanding! She was wise to be so
silent; silence is as full of potential wisdom and wit as the unhewn
marble of a great sculpture. The silent bear no witness against
themselves. She knew how to listen well and sympathetically. And when
she did break silence, half her utterances were quotations. For she had
a retentive memory and had formed the habit of learning the great
thoughts and the purple passages by heart. It had taken Walter some
time to discover the heavy, pathetically uncomprehending stupidity that
underlay the silence and the quotations. And when he had discovered, it
was too late. "
I think i shall be sick.
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| "who knew nyquil was so addictive."
very funny.
i am not addicted.
i just want to sleep.
show me a reason to be concscious and i'll show you the whites of my very eager eyes.
until then, leave me alone.
with my nyquil,
unless, of course, you have anything real.
dont criticize my drinking.
i just want to sleep.
because
you wouldn't let me sleep.
all night you listened to me cry,
i listened to your every word and you listened to me cry.
but i found something to stop the crying.
and i found a reason to stop the listening.
i just want to sleep.
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| The other woman
You never wrote me love songs,
like most men do to court a girl,
but instead told grand philosophies
that were fit to court the world.
But in my World i sought serenity
tranquility and rest
while you suffered Her every injury
and mourned Her constant death.
Her anguish was more important
than my happiness ever was,
so you sang to Her, to comfort Her,
hoping She's return your love.
She was your muse, your life, your all,
and the revelation was long coming
that your true love was the World
and I was just the other woman.
I must admit that jealousy
make being second worse than last,
But i did not want to keep you
from Her grand and loving grasp
So i wished you luck and love
and then i went my serperate way
knowing, when the World had tired of you
we would meet again someday.
She beat you and tormented you
and you loved Her more for it,
while i watched you, sadly
wincing, as i saw you take each hit.
But i continued my search
for the beauty and the peace
and i embraced them with the knowlegde
that, like all things, they must cease.
But eventually i found my place,
my calm and quiet rest,
the beautiful predictability
of a last and sought-for death.
And one day, as i lay there,
i saw you come to me,
sad and warn and lonely
and finally wanting love from me.
Your true love had misused you
and now you have returned
to seek the peace that i have found
and learn the lessons i have learned.
But i am satisfied with my solitude
and i desire no companionship from you
but i will let you lay down next to me
and share the rest that you are due.
Your search may have left you lonely
but my search let me be alone.
Though i hope you know that my love
was the truest love you'd ever known.
Still, only when my sorrow
became the sorrow of the World
did you seek me out again
and want me for your girl.
So now that we're together
for one last and long embrace
i have one piece of news for you
that should put you in your place.
Through all the tears together
and all the years apart
i realized i loved someone else
right from the very start.
He promised me tranquility
while you gave me unrest
and now he holds me closely
in my long and sought-for death.
So realize, as i did,
While you and i lay rotting, hand in hand,
That my true love was the Grave
and you were just the other man.
| | |
| ok. chill. BUT ITS NOT FAIR. I wish he would just talk to me. For
once. For longer than fifteen minutes! I wanna kiss him so bad, but more than a
million kisses i want to know him.What is going on in that glorious
brain of his? not about what he thinks about the world or fucking
politics or the human condition. i already know htat. i wanna know what
he thinks about him. me. us. if there is an us anymore.I dont knwo. he
wont talk to me. Worse yet, i wont talk to him. I hold my tongue so
vigilantly around him! never, NEVER have i felt so compelled to be
silent. He must view it as weakness. Or perhaps he really htinks there
is nothing of consequence in my skull. Maybe there isnt. Just
emotions colliding, conflicting with each other. Foolish girl. I warned
you. He makes me so mad! and i refuse to make him aware of it! Why!? Am
i really that intimidated by him? Do i like him so much that i fear his
opinion? How stupid! Its not fair. Never has anyone made me feel so
wonderfully pleased with my suroundings and so wretchedly disappointed
with myself. never. This is the shittiest i have ever felt about
myself.Why?
Just tell him. Tell him! whats the worst that will happen? he will
stop looking at you? he will stop kissing you? too late. Just tell him!
How much he pisses you off. how much he hurts you. how much he confuses
you. how much he Doesnt know about you. Tell him how much you love him
despite it all.
I never asked him to say "i love you" back. Never expected it.......
I didnt tell you becasuse i needed to be loved. i told you because i
wanted you to know. You needed to know. I needed to tell it.
I thought i was being understanding. I never asked you to
forget about *her*, or never forbid you to mention *her*. Did i like
it? NO! but i wanted you to know i was trying to understand. It hurt
like hell to think that, after how much she hurt you, you could still
yearn for her. It hurts to know that no matter how much i care for you,
you will never be able to care for me in the same way.. But i didnt let
that stop me from caring. Yes it hurts. So i guess i do understand how
to love the ones that hurt you....
You used to berate me for being nice to people who were mean to my
friends. Even if they had never given me reason to dislike them. "They
hurt your freinds, so you should care" you said. I took that to heart,
you know. I even stopped socializing with some of my friends taht had
hurt you. Not just for you, but because of what you said. Yet you
turn around and berate me AGAIN for supposedly "hating" *her*
because i didnt know her. But she hurt you! By your own admission she
brutalized you! I can still see it in your eyes! So why defend her
against me, when, by your own definition, she is unworthy of my
favor?!!?! Perhaps your brand of justice is not as unbiased as you
would like to think. At least i know i am a hypocrite. But i guess i
just dont understand your way of thinking. Do your grand philosophies
apply to everyone but *her*? Or does your happiness rely on everyone
but me.........
-----edit out for privacy------
"By then it wouldnt matter anyway," you said. "It would be like you are already leaving."
Did you see the look i shot you in the mirror when you said that? i
felt it. I hope you did too. The first time i showed the hurt you
inflicted.
What the hell does that mean anyways?? Is that time less precious? Does
it mean less? Does the present mean so much more? You sure as fuck dont
show it!!!! Yeah, i am leaving. Im sorry it will be diffucult for you,
but im not gonna ween myself off of you to make it easier. I dont Want
it to be Easy! I hope that what ever happiness, if any, i have brought
to you is worth a little seperation anxiety, And if that time before i
go is so worthless to you, then this time, NOW, should be more
valuable. SEIZE the fucking DAY, damnit!!But no~! you dont call. you
dont want to go anywhere with me. you dont even wanna fuck around. You
probably dont even konw i am upset. Yeah, i drop you off and chuckle
and wave as you hop out. I dont want you to feel obliged to be sweet to
me. i dont want your pity. i just want you.
But i suppose i will settle for your distant presence. but part of
me wants......normalcy? strange. Our situation is so fucked up, i know.
Not just about your friend, but your.....past, my past, our very
different lives, our private lives, our social lives. But believe me, i
have accepted the fucked-up-ed-ness of the situation. Facilitated it,
really. But i would be lying if i said i didnt have visions of
sabotage. Just kissing you. in front of all of them. In public.
Anywhere but our hideaway..... so they could see and gasp and gossip
and forget about it in a week. So i could breathe around you. All of
them... TO HELL WITH ALL OF THEM! but i know that even if we were open,
our relationship would not resemble anything close to normal. Btu thats
ok. Of course,if i sabotaged our situation, i would hurt you and your
friends and i would lose you. i would be no better off for my
selfishness.
But you said yourself, its thrilling....almost gettin caught.
You snuck out of the window last year. just for the thrill. Will you sneak out this year?
We both know what this relationship isnt, so lets just appreciate it for what it is, while its here....
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